Why Gentle Parenting has no Place in Water Safety

The Critical Role of Clear Boundaries When it Comes to Parenting and Water Safety

Gentle Parenting isn't "Wrong", but Water Doesn't Negotiate so Neither Should We

Modern parenting has shifted dramatically over the past decade and I've seen a few different trends in my 18 years as a swim instructor. We now hear phrases like "gentle parenting", "child-led", and collaborative conversations everywhere. In many situations such as emotional regulation, sibling conflict, bedtime routines, etc. these approaches can be incredibly effective and nurturing but, when it comes to safety, negotiation-based parenting can become dangerous.

Not because gentle parenting is “wrong,” but because water doesn’t negotiate.

Water doesn’t pause while we over-explain the dangers.

Water doesn’t wait for our child to process a boundary.

Water doesn’t do second chances.

In my role as a swim instructor, I have worked with thousands of families, and one truth becomes clearer with every season:

Children are safest when adults set firm, consistent, non-negotiable boundaries around water.

This post will explain why we need to set clear expectations, how to set those boundaries without power struggles, and how maintaining them, especially when your child pushes back, can prevent life-changing or life-ending tragedy.

Water Safety Is One Area Where You Must Be the Decision-Maker

Children are brilliant, curious, impulsive, emotional, and often unpredictable. That is developmentally normal. But these traits are also what classify them as "vulnerable", and around water, they are particularly vulnerable.

When adults try to “collaborate” with children on water rules, several problems emerge:

• Kids don’t fully understand risk.

• Kids are motivated by fun, not safety.

• Kids assume “if Mom says maybe, it must be safe.”

• Kids test boundaries to see if they will move.

Children negotiate because they’re children. Adults enforce boundaries because they understand consequences.

A child might say:

• “I won’t go deep, I promise!”

• “Can I just take off my lifejacket for a minute?”

• “I’ll stay right beside the boat!”

• “I can do it myself!”

Adults often feel pressured to keep the peace, avoid conflict or encourage independence…but these are not opportunities for negotiation because there are life-and-death consequences.

Gentle Parenting Isn’t the Problem—Misapplying It Is

Gentle parenting, when used correctly, is rooted in:

• Emotional connection,

• Respect,

• Teaching,

• Co-regulation, and

• Understanding child development.

All wonderful things. The issue arises when parents misinterpret gentle parenting as avoiding all discomfort or conflict, including situations where a firm “no” is the safest and most loving response.

Here’s the truth a lot of parenting books don’t emphasize surrounding different parenting styles:

• You can be empathetic and still hold firm on boundaries.

• You can validate feelings without giving in.

• You can be gentle and still say “no.”

A toddler crying about wearing a lifejacket is not a sign that you're being too firm. You wouldn't start driving your car without them buckled in because they were crying about sitting in their car seat.

A child sulking because they can’t jump when no one is looking isn’t mistreatment. It's making sure everyone can have a safe and enjoyable time.

A teen rolling their eyes because you enforce a buddy system isn’t being “too strict.” It's making sure everyone gets to go home to their families.

These are normal emotional reactions to disappointment and that’s okay.

Water Safety Rules Must Be Clear, Short, and Consistent

Kids can follow rules when they are:

1. Simple,

2. Predictable,

3. Repeated often, and

4. Executed the same way every time.

Here are the four non-negotiable water rules I recommend all families adopt:

1. No swimming without an adult. Ever.

   • Not an older sibling, not Grandma watching from the kitchen window, not “just for a minute while I get your brother changed.”

   • An adult supervisor must be actively watching the children in the water.

2. Lifejackets/PFDs are worn when the adult says they’re worn.

   • If your child is near water, on a dock, on a boat, or in any situation with increased risk, the PFD goes on and stays on.

3. No running, no hands-on other people and no breath-holding games.

   • These rules prevent the most common child aquatic injuries and emergencies.

4. When an adult says it’s time for a break or time to get out, it happens immediately.

   • No negotiation. "Stay where you can touch or get out of the water." If they refuse to adhere to your rules, it's time to go home.

Children struggle with transitions, especially when they’re having fun, but here are some things that adults and lifeguards see that children may not:

• Fatigue

• Currents

• Changing weather

• Risky behaviour from others nearby

Firm transitions are not punitive, they're protective.

Why Negotiation Fails Around Water

Let’s look at what “negotiation” often looks like in real life:

Situation 1

Child: “I don’t want my lifejacket! I’ll be careful!”

Parent: “Okay, fine, but just stay close.”

Result: Child wanders farther than expected, gets caught in a current and ends up needing to be rescued.

Situation 2

Child: “I want to jump from the deep end!”

Parent: “Alright, but only once.”

Result: Rules become flexible, expectations blur, and supervision becomes harder. They may not ask for permission next time and find themselves in a potentially deadly situation.

Situation 3

Child: “Let me swim to the raft alone! I can do it!”

Parent: “Okay, but kick hard.”

Result: Pride outweighs safety and an exhausted child is now in deep water, by themselves with a long distance back.

When boundaries move, even slightly, children learn:

• Rules change

• I can persuade Mom or Dad.

• If I cry or yell enough, I get what I want.

• The danger isn't that serious.

But water is always serious.

Parenting Scenarios I See All the Time at the Pool

Here are some common parent-child dynamics we witness at the pool and during lessons:

Scenario 1: “My child doesn’t want the instructor to hold them.”

Kids often want independence before they have the skill to handle it. Instructors hold children not to limit them, but to keep them safe and produce success before enduring inevitable failure. It's just part of the process. Some instructors, such as myself, lean into that drive for independence more than others and adopt a "less is more" approach to assisting children. This is not effective for all children, especially those who are naturally nervous or are new to the water and old enough to understand their fears of the unknown. Assistance will sometimes be necessary, especially when their safety, or building safe water habits, is in question and your support of this is crucial.

Scenario 2: “I told her I would tell you that it's okay if she doesn't put her face in the water.”

Situations like this are setting your instructor, and potentially your child, up for failure. Unless there is a medical reason (i.e. ear infections) where submersion, when the child is ready, should not be done, following the program and trusting your instructor is a key part of progression through the program. When you set the rules without discussing with the instructor first, everything the instructor tries to enforce is undermined and safety measures may not be taken seriously. Children need to understand who the authority is in different scenarios and, at the pool, the lifeguards are the authority. Even Mom and Dad need to follow their instruction. Sure, there are times or situations where you may disagree and, in these cases, a civil and respectful conversation would be most appropriate.

Scenario 3: “He’s upset that he failed the level, so we are pulling him from the program.”

Water isn’t like other sports or activities. You don’t “win” based on effort. Skill, readiness, technique, and safety all matter. Allowing a child to quit because they didn't complete all of the skills needed for a level reinforces emotion-based decision-making instead of resilience and understanding.

Many children grow up learning that failing means you lost a game, missed a goal, or didn’t place in a race. But swimming lessons don’t work that way. Water skills are developmental, not competitive, and the goal is safety, not victory. Progress is measured by a child’s ability to perform specific skills that keep them safe, not by whether they “tried hard” or had fun.

It’s also important to remember that not all swim programs use a skill-based curriculum. If your child is fixated on a badge or certificate, try a program that is based on child-specific goals, rather than curriculum goals. Marlin Swim Academy's Swim to Thrive program is an excellent example of this.

Scenario 4: “She refuses to wear her lifejacket on the dock.”

This is where parenting must be firm. A fall into cold, deep water can become fatal in seconds. Practice wearing a lifejacket leading up to your trip and use these opportunities to educate your child on why it must be worn. Once you get to the dock, enforce your rules or, try another activity.

Firm Boundaries Keep Children Calm

Many parents assume that firm rules equals upset children when, in water safety, the opposite is true.

Children feel calmer when:

• They know rules won’t change,

• Adults appear confident,

• Expectations stay consistent, and

• They are not given too many choices.

Uncertainty fuels anxiety. Consistency fuels trust.

How to Be Firm Without Being Harsh

You can set boundaries without yelling, threatening, or punishing. Here’s what that looks like:

1. Use calm, clear, predictable phrases

   • “It’s okay to be upset. The rule stays the same or we can't swim.”

   • “I hear you. You still need your lifejacket or we can go do something else.”

   • “You are starting to get tired so, it’s time to take a break from the water. You can go back in after lunch.”

   • “We’re leaving because it’s getting unsafe. I know that’s disappointing, but we will come back another day.”

2. Follow through immediately

   • The minute you hesitate or waver, your child learns that rules are flexible.

3. Plan ahead

   • Tell children the rules before you arrive:

     • “We all wear our lifejacket on the dock.”

     • “Stay where I can see your face.”

     • “If I say out, it means out right away.”

4. Validate feelings, not behaviours

   • “I understand you’re frustrated” is not the same as “okay, just this once.”

Where Swim Lessons Support Firm Boundaries

One of the reasons families love Marlin Swim Academy is because we don’t just teach swimming. We teach water safety behaviour. We model:

• Getting out when asked

• Listening to safety instructions

• Wearing proper equipment

• Understanding boundaries

• Respecting water

And our Water Safety (Clothing) Week reinforces real-world scenarios like:

• Swimming with clothes on

• Unexpected entries

• Floating to conserve energy

• Staying calm when caught off balance

These experiences help children understand that rules aren’t “mean”. They’re protective and part of the process. They learn to expect that and, soon, those expectations become habits they instill in others. A very proud moment for parents and instructors!

There is no better feeling than having an older sibling say to a younger sibling, as they are approaching the water unattended, that they "need to wait for Miss. Kelly". This is the moment I know that what I am doing is working.

Conclusion: You Are Not Being Too Strict. You Are Being Safe

Parenting today comes with immense pressure to be patient, gentle, communicative, emotionally attuned, and endlessly flexible. But flexibility has limits, and water safety is one of them.

You are not stifling independence. You are keeping your child alive.

If you’d like support building your child’s safety skills, confidence, and respect for boundaries, reach out to your local swim school because, when it comes to water safety, we don’t negotiate...and neither should you.